Tag: Dating

Engagement Q&A, Part 2

* What were the most helpful tips to building your relationship (trust, safety, friendship, communication)?

Building trust: This is a long story that I won’t get into, but I felt that the most trust was built when Stefan shared some really hard things for anyone to share.  I could tell that he didn’t want to hide anything from me – even if that meant me ending the relationship.  Because he valued the truth even above the relationship made me realize that he wanted to listen to the Holy Spirit more than anything. He had a humble, teachable heart. I felt the freedom to ask him hard questions and I gave him permission to do the same with me. It took time and experiences to build more and more trust, but it steadily grew like a thriving plant. You water it and give it sunshine and it will surely shoot up!

Building safety: We tried to be who we really were with one another. The more we were ourselves in front of each other, the more we felt truly accepted and embraced … and not for who we were trying to be, but who we were. I mention later that as our relationship matured and progressed, the more we opened our hearts to one another. We confided in each other our pasts, struggles, ugly areas that we don’t normally show anyone but God, and we were able to love one another in those places of ugliness. It’s actually super healing and beautiful to be loved in the areas you feel most unlovable. We talked through these things with our pre-engagement counselor and he helped facilitate some of these conversations and healthy responses. Knowing that we are for one another, not against each other helped us to feel safe.  As a girl, I felt safest when I didn’t feel rushed or pressured to share or move forward. I felt respected even though I also felt pursued. At times I had higher physical and emotional boundaries and I never, ever felt that Stefan pressured me to back down from my convictions. This isn’t to say that we didn’t struggle together, but he didn’t ever say or act in a way that made me feel stupid for aiming for the conviction that I had (ie not kissing till my wedding day). I felt that he was fighting for us to uphold it as much as I was (we made it! Praise God 🙂 ).

Building friendship: My mentor would tell me that every relationship needs a childhood. She is so right! Early in the relationship we simply “played” together.  We went for walks, picnics, ice-skating, movies, coffee shops, etc. After a little while, we began to mature in our interactions and started to serve in ministry together: praying for others, dental missions in Mexico, etc.  Through that progression, our friendship blossomed as we confided in one another and grew to anticipate each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Our friendship deepened as our communities began to merge and his friends became my friends and vice versa.  The more time, experiences, and joys/sorrows we shared the more our hearts grew in friendship.  I think the 2 biggest things that helped us deepen our friendship was 1. being rooting in Christ. 2. not being physically involved. The less we were able to do physically the more we felt the urge to show one another love and affection through other means: actions, service, words, activities, etc.

Building communication:  we went through the book 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged and it was a fun way to engage in meaningful conversation.  We also stuck to the honesty policy – even when it was hard. We didn’t want to play any guessing games or be passive/aggressive so we made it a point to resolve conflicts – not avoid them.  We agreed to keep short accounts.  We agreed to share how we truly felt about something even if it didn’t seem like the other person was going to like what they heard.  When a conversation didn’t go so well we tried to remember to ask for a “do over” so that we could learn to improve our communication. I am someone who gets emotional and can’t think in the moment so I need to take a moment and calm down before trying to resolve something. Stefan had to learn that I wasn’t avoiding, I just needed about 10-20 minutes usually to gain composure otherwise, I couldn’t engage in productive, helpful conversation. Another helpful tip was that we tried not to rush anything. If we weren’t sure how to proceed, one of us would usually ask to stop and pray to ask God for wisdom on how to handle a situation. We try not to ever see the other person as an enemy, but as a teammate. This helps in communication. We also talked through the details of our days that way we had a good context for the bigger picture.  Another HUGE thing was that we talked about everything – especially in engagement. We agreed to not keep any secrets (except presents we were giving to one another).  He knows all my deep, dark secrets and I know his. We gave each other permission to ask questions and, mostly, tried to focus on being good listeners for one another. The best listening tip that helped us was to repeat back to one another what we heard the other person say. This was key to making sure we understood before we responded. That’s all of can think of for now.

* What were the most helpful tips to avoid temptation to sexual sin, or to crossing your physical/touch boundaries?

Don’t be alone in a private place.  This may sound elementary or extreme, but it was the number 1 most helpful tip that helped us through the course of our relationship. I also had this rule with previous relationships and am so grateful because I believed this was probably the most helpful boundary that keep things rated “G.”  It’s much more difficult to slip up in public than it is in private. Of course, it’s possible to fall into temptation anywhere, but this is a helpful hedge. When we got to our hotel room on our wedding night and closed the door, we were simply excited to be in an absolutely private place with each other.  We still hold on to this boundary- obviously not with one another- but with others so that we are never alone with someone of the opposite gender.  We want to live above reproach and protect ourselves from any potential temptation or even false accusations.

The second most helpful thing was to not think of sex or sexual desire as a bad, dirty thing, but to think of it as a precious gift to be guarded. You probably already hold this view, but  something that helped us a lot was to say to one another (when attraction felt almost irresistible): “This is hug (or whatever) is starting to feel too good for right now.”  This approach didn’t make the other person feel bad or condemned or like a stumbling block. It simply communicated that we needed help to stop the momentum.  It also reminded each of us what we really wanted for ourselves and one another: free expression in the context of beautiful married love.

I’m hopeful that these words will be an encouragement to you. Stay the course! Keep your eyes on Jesus. You can do it in His strength!

Six Options for Singles Video Clip

“…those of you who are single, particularly single women, have six options: sin, surrender, settle, suffer, strive, or solace. If you’re single and struggling with your singleness, know that the Jesus that you’re talking to is a Jesus who understands.”

Pastor Mark Driscoll addresses the reality of the paths before you as a single adult. As Beautiful Bricklayers, we hope you would be proactive in your preparation for marriage without idolizing the idea of marriage.

Watch the full sermon: http://jesus.to/1fzL4zR
Find out more about the Malachi sermon series:http://marshill.com/malachi

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPX_VkCFDD4&w=560&h=315]

Check in tomorrow for more prayer prompts to close out the 31 Day Husband Prayer Journey (although, we hope you continue praying beyond these 31 days!). Also, get ready for Monday’s post when

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you’ll hear an audio message Cristina Alexandroni shared recently at a Ladies Luncheon in Arkansas.

 

 

Beautiful Bricklayers’ Winter Workshop: December 28th

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Come and join us for a Beautiful Bricklayers’ Winter Workshop!

Date: Saturday, December 28, 2013

Time: 9AM-noon

Place: 2700 Amalfi, Newport Beach, Ca 92660

We’ll be discussing principles of becoming “hot and holy” women of purpose, prayer, partnership, and preparation.

You’ll be equipped to start preparing now for a godly marriage, regardless of current relationship status. If you are single, dating, or engaged, join us as we grow in our understanding of what it means to lay a foundation for a Kingdom-building future.

Already a Bricklayer?  Join us for a refresher seminar and receive a discounted rate ($10 not $25 if you have already gone through a previous class)!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyBJdhqtGUY&w=560&h=315]Invite your friends!!

Cost: $25 for new participants (includes materials and light refreshments).$10 for Bricklayers Class alumna who already have a workbook

Partial scholarships are available.

RSVP: email Cassie: bricklayersleadership@gmail.com or use the form below.

In order to save your spot, write a check made out to “Cassie Robertson” and mail it to:

Cassie Robertson
2620 Johnson Ave.
La Habra, Ca 90631

Deadline to register is DECEMBER 13th!

See you in December!!

[contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’RSVP/Comments/Questions’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]

November Spotlight: Dani Taylor

daniAre you grateful for your dear friends? Don’t you appreciate those who stand by you to cheer you on to carry out a vision that seems daunting?  Well, I sure am grateful for this very special woman we are featuring this month!  Dani Taylor served behind the scenes for over a year and a half with the leadership team.  She hosted events in her home, spent hours at meetings, donated goods, woke up early to meet with me at a coffee shop before she headed off to work (many times!), and prayed over this ministry.  So much of what Beautiful Bricklayers is today has been directly impacted by Dani’s dedication and service.

Here’s a little glimpse into the lovely heart of this very precious sister in Christ, Dani Taylor:

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

I’m 27 and I LOVE Bricklayers!  I’m really close with my family and I love spending time with them; they are a super funny group of people and I love laughing with them.  I’m really into healthy living – home remedies, cooking, working out, conscious living, etc.  I love the ocean and all the animals in it!

This month’s theme is “Gratitude” and you are a person with a very thankful heart.  Would you share some of the ways you have been intentional to foster thankfulness in your life?

I think one way that I try to foster thankfulness is by constantly acknowledging all that the Lord has done for me and the ways in which he has blessed my life.  If I have a hard day at work, the first thing I do when I get in the car to drive home is list things I am I am thankful for.   I never want to do it – it’s so much easier to let the bitterness fester and to claim that I had a bad day at work and get sympathy from others (which I still do, no one is perfect :-).  But, I find that as soon as I start listing what I’m thankful for, everything comes into perspective and my heart is filled with gratitude and praise and then that doesn’t leave any room for bitterness, anger, discontentment, or envy!

Dani with family
Picture perfect with her family!

What are some of the biggest challenges you’ve experienced in trying to maintain contentment?

This one is very hard, I feel like this is an area where I often feel a lot of spiritual attack: staying close to the Lord and believing his Word is what keeps my head above the water.   It’s so easy to listen to the world’s lies and think, for example, that I should be married by now and have achieved a certain level at work.  I find social media really stirs up discontentment in me, so I try my best to stay away from it.  The moment I remember that I am not in control and that the Lord is in charge of my life, I can relax and give everything over to him.  It’s funny because it’s so hard to let go of control, but as soon as I do it, I can relax and know that I am fully taken care of and looked after.  He can take care of me far better than I could ever take care of myself! 

Do you have a passage in Scripture that has served as an anchor to your soul to keep you grounded during particularly difficult seasons in your life?

Yes! I memorized Psalm 42:11 (NLT) which says: “Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again – my Savior and my God.” This has been such an encouraging verse for me.  It allows me to acknowledge my feelings of sadness and discouragement but to remember that my hope is in the Lord and I should praise Him through every season of life! 
Dani with Grandpa
Dani loves her Grandpa!

In your singleness, what has the Lord been teaching you that you would like to share with other women?

To wait on Him and to use this season of life when I have extra time and devote it to the Lord – to spending time with Him, reading the Word, and memorizing scriptures.  Life is only going to get more busy and hectic from here on out and I want to know that my life is (and always will be) rooted in the Lord and His truth.

How have you been able to “rejoice with those who rejoice” when you yourself would love to have that same kind of rejoicing in your own life?

This is the one area that I feel the Lord has given me His strength.  I so badly want for my friends to be in relationships and I feel such joy and happiness for them when this happens!  It also gives me hope, if it can happen for them, it can certainly happen for me!  It’s also a way that I can see the Lord answering the prayers that I’ve prayed for my friends and their future husbands.  I think it has also helped that both my sisters have been in serious relationships for the past few years; to see them so happy makes me realize I would never want to deprive anyone of that joy!

What advice or words of wisdom do you have to share with other Beautiful Bricklayers as they navigate singleness and dating relationships?

Trust in the Lord and know that He is good! Draw near to Him and let Him take care of the rest!Dani with RH girls
***Would you like to nominate a girlfriend of yours to be interviewed for the Beautiful Bricklayers monthly spotlight?  
Please email us at: beautifulbricklayers@gmail.com with the girl’s name and reason why you think she should be featured on our blog.*** 

October Spotlight: Amanda Pinedo

Many of you follow us on our Facebook Page and, this month, we wanted to give you a peak into the life of our main contributor to that Page.  She is indeed a Beautiful Bricklayers herself: Amanda Pinedo.Amanda Pinedo headshot

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

I am 24 and living in Huntington Beach, where I am finishing up my Masters in Social Work at USC. I have a passion for helping people and am so excited to be able to finally start my career as a medical social worker soon!  I am a pretty simple girl who loves good music, warm drinks, and good conversation with friends.  God has really blessed my life even with its ups and downs, and I am so thankful for his patience and love for me.

Being that this month’s theme is “Falling in Love” how did you first fall in love with Jesus?

Growing up attending Christian school since I was 5 years old made it easy to learn about Jesus and accept Him into my heart at a very young age.  However, when I was in high school, I finally began to understand what loving Jesus really looked like.  It was then that I was baptized and really tried to learn how to be a better follower of Him.  My undergrad at Vanguard University also really blessed me with an environment to be poured into and challenged in my faith.  It was at Rock Harbor Church in Costa Mesa that God really stole my heart.  Because of my upbringing and experiences of instability and chaos growing up, it has been a process for me to learn how God could love someone like me and to understand that someone could take care of me.  Falling in love with Jesus is something I believe we never stop doing and knowing that He loves us through it all, is something I believe is the perfect model of what kind of love God wants for us.

You are currently in a dating relationship.  Would you share more about how you met and what made you want to start dating your boyfriend?

Even though it sounds cliche, Max and I met at a mutual friends wedding when we first noticed one another across the room. However, it was not until almost half a year later that we met at Rock Harbor after Max had returned from Ireland where he was helping to start a church.  The “dating” phase of our relationship was unlike anything I had ever experienced in my life.  I had been use to guys leading relationships in a very quick pace or not leading the relationship at all.

The way that Max led our relationship was nerve-racking but so refreshing to experience.  He prayerfully spent time asking God about our next steps, he took the time to really get to know me, and when the time was right expressed his intentions for moving our relationship forward.  His love for God, his passion for others, and his character are some of the biggest reasons I found for wanting to open my heart to him.  I honestly did not think guys like him existed.  I always figured that I would have to settle in my love life, but God had more for his daughter: a love bigger than I could imagine.  Max is pretty funny too… always a plus. 🙂

What are some helpful boundaries, physical and emotional, that you two have established for a healthy, God-honoring relationship?

Since the beginning of our relationship, Max and I have communicated our intentions for the physical boundaries we wanted to stay strong in and the beautiful things we wanted to look forward to in a potential marriage one day.  We knew that although kissing is fun, we had to be careful that we did not fall into the slippery slope of passion.  We also knew that sleeping in the same bed overnight would be another boundary we would never want to compromise in our relationship.  And although these boundaries have been hard and many friends and family have not understood them, we continue to believe in our hearts that it’s what God wants for us in our relationship.  Emotionally, we have continued to have open communication with our past experiences in relationships and have had discussions with each other about our families and upbringings.  So much of your past will follow you into your present and future.  We knew that if we didn’t stay honest, we couldn’t move forward and build a relationship with a strong spiritual and emotional foundation.

When friends or acquaintances think you are being “too strict” what do you tell them?  Do you have any stories to share?

A lot of our friends have not understood our physical boundaries at times, especially when we have planned trips with other couples.  I honestly think we have even been left out of trips because of friends not wanting to have to plan around the boundaries we have. However, we never compromised our intentions and even with family have had to make conscious decisions to stay true to what we believe.

How has dating helped you to grow as a woman and in your relationship with God and others?

Dating Max has honestly pushed me to newer levels in my relationship with God.  I had dated guys before Max that never pushed me to be a better woman of God.  They were Christian but they weren’t walking with God the way I believe He calls us to be.  I have grown in so many ways in dating Max and seeing His love for God makes me want to love him and God more in so many ways.  God’s Word states that His two most important commandments are to love God and to love one another, and in my relationship with Max I have felt we are able to experience those commandments together.  Through reading our Bibles daily, praying together, doing a devotional together, serving together, tithing together, and more, God has pushed my heart for Him to a whole new level.

If you could list out a few practical tips to help the Beautiful Bricklayers community in their pre-dating and dating seasons, what would you share?

If I could give any advice to those praying for Mr. Bricklayer, there are a few things I would encourage:
1) Never settle for a man that is not in LOVE with God
2) Seek God in your love life always, be patient, and trust that He wants the best for you
3) Be open in your communication with a potential partner (Be honest with who you are and what you need in a partner)
4) Take the time to do some inner work in you before you start dating. If you don’t know God and yourself and love God and yourself, how can you love someone else.

three important appointments

Something that helps me clear my mind and nourish my soul is to keep three special appointments each week: a business meeting, a fun date, and a time to spiritually recharge. This is not my original idea, but I heard it on a Focus on the Family radio broadcast featuring an older couple talking about their secret to a strong, healthy marriage through the years.

Keeping these appointments would be beneficial to everyone at all stages of life: single, dating, engaged, or married! Here’s my version of that older couple’s idea and how try to integrate it into my weekly routine.

Business Meeting: Every Tuesday night, my husband and I have a time to connect about the logistics of our lives. This is a simple version of our agenda: Prayer, Recite out loud our family vision statement, Review: finances, calendar, social and ministry happenings, goals, old and new projects, and we even have a little point system that helps us with motivation (If you are interested, I’ll post a video about our point system below). Prior to our meeting, I update our books, and make a new agenda for the meeting. Yes, I know it sounds totally stale and, well, business-like, but it’s such a freeing thing for us to do in order to stay on the same page and not feel like our lives are out of control. If you are single, this is such a great way to keep short accounts with yourself and your own schedule, goals, and finances. Having your own business meeting is an excellent habit to get into now that will yield great dividends in the long run.

Date Night: Hanging out and having fun probably seems like a “no-brainer” easy thing to do when you are married, dating Cristi cell phone random 010 or engaged, but I want to encourage those of you who are single to have date nights too. When I was single (and was not even getting asked out very often), I would make an effort to get dressed up (heels, makeup, hair, and all) and go to a quaint cafe or oceanside restaurant with my bible and journal and I would call it a God-date. Seriously, I had so much fun and I really felt my worth and my beauty. Even though I usually ordered only a dessert and some tea (I had a tight budget), I engaged with the Lord through the experience. Other times, I would bundle up for a sunset walk along the beach. I listened for the Holy Spirit’s voice to tell me what He thought of me, to confide in me whatever He wanted to say, and I can honestly say that those dates were some of the sweetest ones I’ve

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ever had in my life! Just because you don’t have a “significant other” in your life doesn’t mean you don’t get to go on crazy-awesome dates.

Spiritual Recharge: This is a rest time, a Sabbath time, a time to reflect on the last week and get fueled up for another one, but even more than that to enjoy the present. We tend to have either all-day Saturday or Sunday to do this. We block out the day so that we don’t schedule anything that would be draining and we only allow life-giving activities. For us that means: going to church, taking a nap, going for a run or swim, reading a relaxing book, working on a creative project, having friends over for lunch or dinner… you get the idea. The point is: set aside an appointment on your calendar to recharge and reconnect with the Lord. He commands us to take a Sabbath rest, not only because He knows we need it, but because it helps us to remember that He is the One who makes the universe function, not us. We are just not that important (whew, praise God for that!!).

For those of you who are interested to hear more about our weekly points system, here’s a brief summary of what we do:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTrdL41_WWM&w=420&h=315]

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